Lyrics sung by Louise English on The Benny Hill Show including La Vie En Rose, Pour Un Flirt Avec Toi, Milord, Paradise, Dummkopfen and many others.


 
Louise English Lyrics From The Benny Hill Show
 


 

This page provides lyrics sung by Louise English on The Benny Hill Show. The lyrics included are only the lyrics that Louise actually performed. A brief description of Louise's role is also provided. Click on a song title to go to your favourite and don't miss Louise's Benny Hill Show DVDs page and The Benny Hill Show Galleries.

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 An Occasional Man

Lyrics by Ralph Blane, Music by Hugh Martin

An Occasional Man was first broadcast on 11 February 1981 and is included on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981. An Occasional Man follows the Keep Young and Beautiful sketch and precedes Ease On Down The Road. The setting is a “tropical island” in the studio. Benny Hill plays the “occasional man” with his usual hilarity.

The sketch features Louise dressed in a pink with white bikini and white with pink cover-up, similar to the style she wore in the Paradise number, and a purple flower and matching ribbon over her right ear. Sue Upton is wearing the same style in blue. The supporting Hill's Angels include Clare Smalley, Beverley Kay and Penny Kendall wearing the same style costumes, but each Angel has an individual colour. Although Louise and Sue are featured, the song is sung by all the Angels throughout the sketch.

[All Angels sing:]

I've got an island, in the Pacific,
And everything about it is terrific,
I've got the sun to tan me, palms to fan me, and…
An occasional man.

I love my island, it's very lazy,
If I should ever leave it I'd be crazy,
I've got papayas, peaches, sandy beaches, and…
An occasional man.

When I go swimming, I am always dressed in style,
'Cause I go swimming wearing just a friendly smile.

My little island, is made for pleasure,
And in the cool of evening, it's a treasure,
And when the hour grows later, what is greater than…
An occasional man.

 

 

La Vie En Rose

Lyrics by Edith Piaf, Music by Louis Gugliemi (Louiguy)

Part of the “Chez When” sketches first broadcast on 12 March 1986, this remarkable performance is included on the latest and final release in the Region 1 DVD series: Benny Hill: Set 6-The Hill's Angels Years (1986-1989), now available by clicking on Louise's link.

 

As Benny Hill looks on from a table in front of the stage, Louise enters with a spotlight on her. She is wearing a white, sequined gown. The singing fades out as Benny drifts into a dream scene imagining himself newlywed to Louise. The dream scene then fades out into Louise singing as she finishes an incredible performance by ‘nailing’ the tough notes. 

 

[Louise sings:]

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.

 

Il me dit des mots d’amour,

Des mots de tous les jours,

Et ça m’fait quelque chose.

 

Il est entré dans mon cœur,

Une part de bonheur,
Dont je connais la cause.

 

C’est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui, dans la vie,
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré, pour la vie.

 

[The scene fades out and shifts to the Newlywed sketch with Louise and Benny. Then the scene shifts back from the Newlywed sketch to Louise singing:]


Il est entré dans mon cœur,
Une part de bonheur,
Dont je connais la cause.

C’est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui, dans la vie,
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré, pour la vie.

 

Et dès que je l’aperçois,
Alors je sens dans moi,            
Mon cœur qui bat.

 

 

Dummkopfen

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

First broadcast on  16 January 1984, this song was a duet by Louise and Erica Lynley and is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

 

Louise wears a white/silver gown with white gloves to above the elbow, white high heels and a red boa. Erica wears a pink/red gown with shorter matching gloves and a white boa. The sketch begins as Louise and Erica appear to be sitting in a large white bathtub. The tub rotates 180 degrees and we see that it is actually a couch. They begin to sing:


[Louise and Erica duet:]

Dummkopfen, dummkopfen

Men sind alles dummkopfen

 

Dummkopfen, dummkopfen

Men sind alles dummkopfen

 

A politician said he’d take us to the Alster Lake,
The dummkopf took us to the river Elbe by mistake,
Of course a girl should never let a politician help her,
‘Cause politicians do not know their Alster from their Elbe.

 

Dummkopfen, dummkopfen

Men sind alles dummkopfen


A brewery told our football team when they played Kiel last year,


[Erica]
For every goal they scored each man would get a pint of beer

 

[Louise]
They told the other team the same, we hear the match was great. Kiel got 87 goals.


[Erica]
And we got 98.

 

[Louise and Erica duet:]
Dummkopfen, dummkopfen
Men sind alles dummkopfen

Lola took this high school teacher back home to her place,
When he left next morning he’d a smile upon his face.

 

[Erica]
She said, “Hey don’t forget my marks!”
Her smile was full of sweetness.

 
[Louise]
He said, “My dear, I’ll give you 7 out of 10 for neatness”.

 

[Louise and Erica duet:]
Dummkopfen, dummkopfen
Men sind alles dummkopfen
Men sind alles dummkopfen

 

 

Paradise

Music by L. Russell Brown, Lyrics by Joel Diamond

From “The Cruise” sketch first broadcast on 5 January 1983, this popular routine is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.  

 

Louise is dressed in a red-flowered bikini top and cover-up with a red flower over her left ear and high heels. Other Angels are similarly dressed but in differing colours. Other Angels include Sue Upton, Corinne Russell, Elfrida Ashworth, Gillian Adams, Maria Whittaker, Jane Conoway (?), and one unknown Angel (possibly Mandy Perryment).

 

The sketch begins by focusing on a sign that reads, “Cabaret Tonight: Hill’s Angels featuring Louise English”.  The camera pulls in tight, focusing directly on Louise’s lovely face as she looks up and begins to sing. The other Hill's Angels kneel in a circle surrounding her. There is dancing throughout with Louise at the centre as she sings and dances and the other Angels dance around her.

 

 

When I’m with you it’s Paradise,

No place on Earth could be so nice,

Through the crystal waterfall,

I hear you call.

 

Just take my hand it’s Paradise,

You kiss me once I’ll kiss you twice,

And as I gaze into your eyes,

I realize, it's Paradise.

 

It’s right out of something from a fairy tale,

A tale of love exciting and a scary tale.

It’s nothing I could ever make up,

Am I dreaming will I wake up?

 

Just to find out this is true reality.

 

 

Pour Un Flirt Avec Toi

By Michel Delpêche

From “The Cruise” sketch first broadcast on 5 January 1983, this incredible number follows Paradise and precedes Casanova and is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

Louise is dressed in white high heels and stockings with suspenders, green knickers, a green and white corset, a white choker, and a white feather and green beads in her hair. Other Angels are similarly dressed but in differing colours. Other Hill's Angels include Sue Upton, Corinne Russell, Elfrida Ashworth, Gillian Adams, Maria Whittaker, Jane Conoway (?), and one unknown Angel (possibly Mandy Perryment).

[All Angels sing:]

Teasin’, teasin’, teasin’, teasin’

La la la la la la

La la la

La la la la la la

La la la

La la la la la la

La la la la.

 

[Louise solo:]

Pour un flirt avec toi,

Je ferais n’importe quoi,

Pour un flirt avec toi.

 

Je serais prêt á tout,

Pour un simple rendez-vous,

Pour un flirt avec toi.

 

Pour un petit tour,

Un petit jour,

Entre tes bras.

 

Pour un petit tour,

Au petit jour,

Entre tes draps.

 

[All Angels sing:]

La la la la la la  

La la la

La la la la la la  

La la la

La la la la la la  

La la la la.

 

 

Cuchi-Cuchi

By Vince Montana Jr and Ronnie Walker — additional lyrics by Benny Hill

First broadcast on 16 March 1983, this rarely seen performance by Louise is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

Louise demonstrates her versatility in this sketch by singing, dancing and performing spot-on impersonations of Tommy Cooper, Leonard Rossiter and Bobby Ball. She wears a black tuxedo with a black bow tie and black high heels. She begins the sketch singing Cuchi-Cuchi and then dons a fez style hat and a moustache (!) as she begins the impersonations. Louise also sang Cuchi-Cuchi while wearing a red sequined cocktail dress in a TV repair sketch.

The Hill's Angels dance in the background and interact with Louise. Angels include Corinne Russell, Elfrida Ashworth, Jane Leeves, Jane Conoway (?), Nikki Critcher and Cheryl Mortimer all dressed in ponchos and sombreros.

[Louise is centre stage, she turns and walks with her back to the camera tossing off the Angels' sombreros as she goes. The Hill's Angels are on their knees. She walks towards the camera and is surrounded by four kneeling Angels: Jane Leeves, Corinne Russell, Elfrida Ashworth and Nikki Critcher. She begins to dance and sing:]

Every man and every woman,
Want the same thing.
Every grandpa and every grandma,
Want the same thing.
Cuchi-Cuchi
Cuchi-Cuchi

Tommy Cooper wants the same thing.
Mr Rigsby and Miss Jones want the same thing.
Cuchi-Cuchi
Cuchi-Cuchi

Tommy Cannon and Bobby Ball,
Want the same thing.
Cuchi-Cuchi
Cuchi-Cuchi

[Louise (centre) dons a Fez and begins her impersonation of Tommy Cooper flanked by Cheryl Mortimer (screen left) and Jane Conoway (?) (screen right).]

"Aha... just like that... or it could be like that.
I like that... it's very visual that.
I really like that... I really...”

[Louise tosses aside the Fez and begins her Leonard Rossiter impersonation flanked by Corinne Russell (screen left) and Nikki Critcher (screen right):]

“Man! Miss Jones, Miss Jones,

My God that's very visual. Yes, my God,
You wouldn't catch Miss Jones wearing one of those you know.
Oh no she wouldn't wear it, but my God that be fun tryin'.”

[Louise appears wearing a moustache (!) and a curly wig as Bobby Ball.]

“Ooh, I'm excited, Tommy I'm excited.
She'll go for me, Tommy she'll go for me.
What? You said I could have her Tommy, you little liar.
For me? “

“Tell me Tommy deep down inside you really hate me.
What? For me Tommy? All for me?
Oh, rock on Tommy! Right!”

“On behalf of all these ladies here,

These exponents of the Arthur Terry bickerie, Terrybiss... dancing!

I thank you, I thank you, once again I thank you.

Rock on Tommy!”

[Louise exits the stage and the Wild West dance routine begins.]

 

 

Costa Coco

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

First broadcast on 27 May 1985, Costa Coco is set in a tropical “resort” town. Louise is wearing a pink halter-top with white frilly sleeves, a long white dress with red polka dots and pink trim, pink high heels, a pink and white flower over her left ear and a pink beaded necklace.

The other Hill's Angels are dressed in a variety of island wear and include Sue Upton, Emma Bryant, Lorraine Doyle, Cheryl Mortimer, Alison Thomas, Helen Tozer and three unknown Angels. Henry McGee and 4 unknown males also take part. Benny Hill sings most of the song with a brief interlude in which he sings with four Angels including Louise. This wonderful routine is now available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

[Benny sings:]

Now the town of Costa Coco is not as prosperous as it might look,
Last week they closed our library because somebody stole the book.
They say our socialist government is like a beacon and it's shining bright,
I say it's more like a fiddle it's held by the left, but it's played by the right.
 

 

Now our new president, he loves poor people that's why he has created so many,
You could spend all day in a bar with him you wouldn't know that he had a penny.
But he has married a beautiful wife with a figure too lovely to hide,
And now he's put her on our postage stamp, we all lick the wrong side.
 

 

Now the leader of the opposition escaped from prison by digging a tunnel,
He tried to blow up the president's luxury liner but he burnt his mouth on the funnel.
So to keep him quiet the president gave him the best apartment in town,
It's above the bank and now his asset's over ten million pounds.


 

[Four Angels join Benny to sing the next stanza. Lorraine Doyle to far screen left, an unknown Angel, Benny at the centre, Louise to his immediate left (screen right) and Emma Bryant at far screen right.]

 

If mosquitoes bite you in the night don't worry your pretty little head,
Just drink a bottle of tequila before you go to bed.
You'll be too drunk to notice them for the first half of the night,
And for the second half those mosquitoes will be too drunk to bite.
 

[Benny solo:]

So come to Costa Coco where girls buy Tupperware bras with their cash,
They say they don't elevate and they don't separate,

But they keep what you've got nice and fresh.

And for those who say that where there's a storm you will go to any old port,
Why don't you come to Costa Coco, 'cause it's the last resort.

 

 

Please Don’t Pull Our Privy Down

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

Please Don't Pull Our Privy Down was first broadcast on 2 January 1985 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

The setting is Club Benito’s, a German cabaret style club. Louise and Emma Bryant sing a duet dressed like characters from Oliver Twist — lower class Cockneys. The song is sung with a Cockney accent and the performance is reminiscent of a vaudeville act. Louise and Emma enter on stage together and begin to sing:

[Both]

The demolition man arrived, to knock their cot’age down

The mother and her kids stood there aghast.

 

[Emma]

They hadn’t paid no rent since Queen Victoria was crowned.

 

[Both]

Their day of reckonin’ had come at last.

 

[Emma]

The foreman rubbed his hands with glee,

And said, “Let’s make a start,”

“On that privy they just have by our backside.”

 

[Louise]

The woman looked him in the eyes

And said, “Ooh, have an ‘eart”.

 

[Both]

And with teared up eyes and trembling lips she cried,

Please don’t pull our privy down,

‘Cause we can’t afford to pay.

 

[Louise]

Me poor ol’ mum’s gotta boil on her thumb.

 

[Emma]

And Sue’s in the family way.

 

[Louise]

Me sisters Dais’ and Lorna went down,

And ??? old Uncle Jed.

 

[Emma]

And now their son Lee is a Tory MP.

 

[Louise]

But we never talk about ‘im.

 

[Emma]

Now we buried ol’ Fred, because 'e was dead,

'Is favourite sermon was read out.

 

[Louise]

But poor auntie Maude said we couldn’t afford, a nice stone…

 

[Both]

So we just left ‘is ‘ead out.

So please don’t pull our privy down,

It’s our refuge in times of distress.

 

[Louise]

The Daily Mail hangs up on a nail.

 

[Emma]

It’s not quite the Sunday Express.

 

[Both]

We read The Times and The Guardian in there,

But they’re all cut up into squares.

It’s no wonder we gets such a muddled…

View of world affairs.

 

But you’d all be fools to pick up your tools,

And demolish it because…

If you knock our privy down,

We’ll all come around and use yours. We Will!

We’ll all come around and use yours.

 

[The scene shifts to the exterior of the club with Benny as the doorman. The singing continues ever more faintly.]

 

Please don’t pull our privy down,

It’s our refuge in times of distress.

 

[Louise]

The Daily Mail hangs up on a nail.

 

[Emma]

Likewise the Sunday Express.

 

[Both]

We read The Times and The Guardian in there,

But they’re all cut up into squares.

It’s no wonder we gets such a muddled…

View of world affairs.

 

But you’d all be fools to pick up your tools,

And demolish it because…

If you knock our privy down,

We’ll all come around and use yours. We Will!

We’ll all come around and use yours.

 

 

Primavera

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

Primavera is one of The Hot Shoe Show sketches first broadcast on 25 April 1984 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

In Primavera Benny Hill (centre screen), Louise (screen right) and Erica Lynley (screen left) are dressed in Carmen Miranda style outfits. Louise and Erica also “play” acoustic guitars.

[Benny]

Primavera, Primavera

 

[Louise and Erica duet:]

Primavera, primavera

The (candles?) at the tables on the terrace of the Hotel Riviera.

 

[Benny]

Riviera

 

[Louise and Erica]

I held your sunburned(?) hand in mine and for the first time kissed you tenderly.

 

[Benny]

Tenderly, tenderly, tenderly.

 

[Louise and Erica]

? ? ? ? ?

? the bar ? we had a jukebox and they liked Primavera,

And it seemed to us that summer’s night as if they played it just for you and me.

 

Primavera, Primavera

Primavera, Primavera

 

As we lay hand in hand on some small deserted beach one misty morning,

We laughed as we predicted that one evening we’d come in from the rain.

 

[Benny]

From the rain, from the rain, from the rain.

 

[Louise and Erica]

We’d switch on to the late, late show and hear ? ? ? Primavera,

And the sun would shine into our room as we relived those summer days again.

 

[Louise, Benny and Erica:]

Primavera, primavera

Primavera, primavera

Primavera, primavera.

 

 

Fashion Pack

By Amanda Lear

Fashion Pack was sung by Louise and Sue Upton as part of the “Madame Louise Summer Collection” sketch first broadcast on 5 March 1980 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981.

 

In the sketch Louise (screen left) and Sue (screen right) are setting at a bar while Benny Hill (centre screen) clumsily attempts to serve them. Louise is wearing a red dress with red stockings and suspenders and red high heels. The entire first part of the song is sung as a duet — then The Ladybirds sing the chorus, Louise and Sue duet again, followed by The Ladybirds singing a different chorus, next a solo by Louise, then closing with Louise and Sue's duet fading out into the next scene.

 

[Louise and Sue duet:]

In Paris, you got to be seen at Maxim’s,

The Palace, the “7”, and then go Chez Regine,

Champagne, caviar, haute-couture, expensive cars,

Saint Laurent and Loulou,

Rich ladies with a few bijoux.

         

[The Ladybirds sing:]

Who is in? Who is out? Well, tell me, tell me, tell me

Who is in? Who is out? Well, Woman’s Wear Daily.

 

[Louise and Sue duet:]

Rock stars sniffing,

While Marisa’s posing,

Paloma’s counting her paintings,

The models of Zoli flirting.

 

[The Ladybirds sing:]                                                              

We are the fashion pack,

People you see in the magazines,

They are the fashion pack,

They’re always smiling in their limousines.

 

[Louise solo:]

They only come out after dark,

Got to keep on their trendy track.

 

[The Ladybirds sing:]

They are the fashion pack,

They are the fashion pack.

Ooh, Ooh

Ooh, Ooh

 

[Louise and Sue duet:]

In Paris, you got to be seen at Maxim’s,

The Palace, the “7”… [Fade out]

 

 

Atmosphere

By Russ Abbot

First broadcast on 8 April 1985, this lively song and dance is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

The sketch opens with Benny Hill in a blond curly wig sitting at a small table as Lorraine Doyle serves him drinks on a tambourine. The song Dance and Shake Your Tambourine by Patrick Adams begins playing and Alison Thomas, Lorraine Doyle, Nicola Bacon and three other Hill's Angels begin dancing.  Scenes follow with Sue Upton and Benny at the bar; then Sue and Bob Todd in a short sketch at the bar; followed by a scene with Jenny Lee-Wright, Henry McGee and Benny.

Louise then enters wearing silver running shorts, silver suspenders (braces) and a silver sequined long-sleeve top as she dances and sings:

 

Oh what an atmosphere,

I love a party with a happy atmosphere.

So let me take you there,

And you and I’ll be dancing in the cool night air.

 

Well we’re at a dancing party,

And you’re out there having fun,

And your guy is there beside you… [Fade out as sketch ends]

 

 

 

 

 

  Milord

Lyrics by Bunny Lewis, Music by Marguerite Monnot, original lyrics by Georges Moustaki

A fan favourite first broadcast on 16 January 1984, Milord is a cabaret style song and dance that showcases Louise's great voice and charisma. This energetic and stylish routine is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

Louise wears a red romper with black stockings and suspenders and black high heels. The Hill's Angels are wearing corsets, stockings, high heels and hats with each Angel having a different coloured costume. Other Hill's Angels include Erica Lynley, Francesca Lacey, Lesley Woods, Lisa Mulidore and two unknowns.

The sketch begins with the Angels lying across chairs as Louise stands on top of a chair with her back to the camera. Louise turns to the camera as it focuses on her and she begins to sing:

[Louise solo:]

Come on, get wise, Milord,

Her lips tell lies, Milord,

The girl that you adored

Has found some other guy.

 

She just got bored, Milord,

Now you're ignored, Milord,

Deep down inside your pride

Won't let you say "goodbye".

 

That southern belle, Milord,

Has got a heart of ice

Love can be hell, Milord,

As well as paradise.

 

Come on get mad, Milord,

Life’s not so bad, Milord,

The charms of other arms

Can make your heart forget.

 

Don’t count the cost, Milord,

Let her get lost, Milord,

One memory can be

A lifetime of regret.

 

Allez venez, Milord - vous asseoir à ma table

Il fait si froid dehors - ici, c'est confortable.

 

[All Angels sing:]

La-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

 

La-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

 

[Louise solo:]

Come on get mad, Milord,

Life’s not so bad, Milord,

The charms of other arms

Can make your heart forget.

 

[Stage show ends — then to fadeout as Louise and the Hill's Angels work the room.]

 

[All Angels sing:]

La-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-da-da-la-la-la-da-da-da-da-da

La-la-da-da-la-la

La-la-da-da-la-la

La-la-la-la-la-da-da-da-la-la-la-la-la.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Vagabond

 

Music by Cyril Assous, Lyrics by Eddy Marnay

 

A duet by Louise and Erica Lynley first broadcast on 25 April 1984, this routine is now available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

 

Vagabond opens with the camera focused on Louise (at screen left), Erica Lynley (screen centre) and an unknown Hill's Angel (screen right) playing the flute.

 

Louise is dressed in southern belle fashion in a white dress with red trim, a white Derby hat and white gloves. Erica is wearing a pink dress and white Derby hat. The Angel playing the flute is wearing a blue dress and white Derby hat. They are surrounded by Sue Upton and 4 unknown Angels dressed in similar fashion. The setting is a “hillside” in the studio.

 

Parentheses indicate the harmony parts sung by the supporting Angels. Brackets indicate other information.

 

[Louise and Erica sing:]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

A vagabond (A vagabond)

That’s what they call him (A vagabond),

He’ll pass you by, but leave you with a song,

A vagabond, (Ooh) of no importance (Ooh)

Just wants to be a lonely vagabond (A vagabond).

 

A vagabond (A vagabond)

That’s what they call him (A vagabond),

He’ll pass you by, but leave you with a song,

 

[Begin fade out to sketch, the following is heard faintly in background]

 

A vagabond, (Ooh) of no importance (Ooh)

Just wants to be a lonely vagabond (A vagabond).

 

A vagabond, (Ooh) of no importance (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond (A vagabond).

That’s what they call him (A vagabond),

He’ll pass you by, but leave you with a song.

 

A vagabond (Ooh), take him with you (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond.

 

[Full fade out to various outdoor sketches featuring Benny Hill as a vagabond and supporting players including Sue Upton, Henry McGee, Bob Todd, Jack Wright and Jon Jon Keefe. In the last sketch, Benny arrives at a picnic in the park that includes Louise wearing jeans and a white sleeveless top with large blue polka dots, Jack Wright, Jon Jon Keefe and three others.

Everyone flees when they see Benny has contagious spots on his face. Benny sits down to their picnic and begins eating a chicken leg as Louise and Erica’s duet fades in.]

[Louise and Erica:]

A vagabond, (Ooh) take him with you (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond,

 

[The scene returns to the studio setting with the camera focused on Louise and Erica, Benny appears in the background with contagious spots on his face and holding a parasol.]

 

[Louise and Erica continue:]

Born to be a lonely vagabond (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond, vagabond, vagabond (A vagabond, a vagabond).

 

[Louise, Erica and the flute player are surrounded by vagabonds including Henry McGee, Bob Todd, Jon Jon Keefe and one older man (does not appear to be Jack Wright) in place of the Angels. They see the vagabonds and flee offstage with the vagabonds in pursuit.]

 

 

Keep Young and Beautiful

 

Lyrics by Al Dubin, Music by Harry Warren

 

First broadcast on the 11 February 1981 show, Keep Young and Beautiful is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981

 

This sketch includes a very young Louise, Sue Upton, Clare Smalley, Alison Bell, Abigail Higgins, Beverley Kay, Camilla Blair and Penny Kendall. All the Hill's Angels except Penny Kendall and Alison Bell appear at the start of the sketch in different coloured leotards and sing the song as a group, except for a brief solo by Alison Bell. Louise is wearing a green leotard. The other Angels are wearing individually coloured leotards.

 

The sketch opens with a quick montage of individual headshots of Beverley Kay, Camilla Blair, and Sue Upton blowing a kiss and finally Louise as she winks. The song begins in a studio setting with the Angels in three rows in front of two wall-mounted exercise racks. In the front row are Louise (screen left) and Beverley Kay (screen right) both lying on the floor, Clare Smalley (left) and Camilla Blair (right) standing in the middle row and Sue Upton (left) and Abigail Higgins (right) standing in the back row. They sing:

 

 

[All Angels sing:]

Keep young and beautiful,
It's your duty to be beautiful;
Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.


Don’t fail to do your stuff

With a little powder and a puff,

Keep young and beautiful,

If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts to Alison Bell solo in front of the exercise racks.]

 

If you're wise, exercise all the fat off,
Take it off, off-a here, off-a there;
When you're seen anywhere with your hat off,
Have a Marcel wave in your hair.

 

[The scene shifts to a hairdressing salon as Benny Hill, as the hairdresser, unsuccessfully tries to comb Abigail Higgins hair.]

 

[All Angels sing:]

Take care of all those charms
And you'll always be in someone's arms,
Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[Benny mistakenly sprays Abigail in the face with Jackie Wright’s shaving crème.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[Benny lifts up top of a hairdryer and takes a plate of vegetables off Beverley Kay’s (?) head.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts to Penny Kendall in bathtub. Keep Young and Beautiful ends as she plays snake charming music on flute to ‘charm’ the shower hose. Benny drops his soap in her tub and she smacks his cap off as he reaches in the tub to grab it. Keep Young and Beautiful then resumes.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts to Clare Smalley as she talks to Alison Bell who is in a sweatbox. She opens and steps out and the camera focuses on Jackie Wright sitting in the box and smiling.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts to a washroom as an unknown male sailor splashes water on his face and dries it on a towel. Beverley Kay splashes water on her face and dries on the sailor’s uniform. Jackie Wright splashes water on his face and dries his face on the back of Beverley Kay’s skirt. She turns and slaps him and walks off.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts to Beverley Kay, Abigail Higgins and finally Benny jumping a vaulting horse. Benny lands hard on the vaulting horse and walks off bowlegged.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts to Bob Todd lifting a barbell. A butterfly lands on one end and he falls over.]

 

Keep young and beautiful,
It's your duty to be beautiful;
Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

 

[The scene shifts back to the Angels in front of the exercise rack in three rows: Front row – Beverley Kay (screen left) and Clare Smalley (screen right), Middle Row – Sue Upton (screen left), Louise (centre screen) and Camilla Blair (screen right), Back Row – Alison Bell (screen left) and Abigail Higgins (screen right), as they sing:]

 

Don’t fail to do your stuff

With a little powder and a puff,

Keep young and beautiful,

If you want to be loved.

 

[Sketch ends as Louise winks as in the opening.]

 

 

 

 

 

Gypsy Dance (Maria)

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

First broadcast on the 7 January 1981 show, Gypsy Dance is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981.

Benny Hill, dressed as a Gypsy, sings as he stands on a table with the Hill's Angels providing backup vocals. The Angels surround him and each is involved in a skit with Benny as he sings. Louise is dressed in a pink gypsy style dress with white sleeves, a pink scarf and purple boots.

The other Hill's Angels are similarly costumed with each in a different colour. Other Angels include Sue Upton, Julie Kirk, Sam Spencer-Lane, Clare Smalley, Abigail Higgins and Elfrida Ashworth. Other actors include Bella Emberg, Jackie Wright, Bob Todd and Roger Finch, all dressed in gypsy costumes. The Angels sing backup as a group.

[Benny]

Now Maria was a high class gypsy,

She sold gold earrings from a stall,
Her mother had a cut-glass eye,

Her father had a crystal ball.


I took Maria to a fancy dress dance, it was a very swell affair,
All the girls had to wear a dress the same colour as their escort's hair.
There was a commotion in the ballroom just after the dinner,
All the men wanted to dance with the girl who came in with Yul Bryner.

They all cried out, “Maria Novotnees,” (?)

“What we want is Watneys.”

 

Ach, too, lee, bush, Buddha (?)

Brie, brown bread, and butta (?)

Bend down girls and touch your toes,
I'm gonna’ show you where the wild goose goes, mmmhmm.

Some girls are like Africa, mysterious and hot,
And other girls are like Paris with all the charm it's got.
But Maria she is like Tibet with all its ice and snow there,
'Cause everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there.
 

[Angels sing:]
Hi-bi-diddly-doe, Hi-bi-diddly-doe, Hi-bi-diddly-doe, Hi-bi-diddly-doe.

[Benny sings:]
Her teeth were green and brown and yellow

One of them was black as jet,

If only she’d of had a blue one,

She’d of had a snooker set.

I went into a phone box to try to get in touch,
With my lovely Maria 'cause I love her so much.
But a policeman came and turned me out, I still can hear him yell,
He went back into the phone box and he turned her out as well.

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.
 

[Benny]
I twirled her 'round the dance floor,

She said, "I hate the way you're doing it."
I said, "Why?"

She said, "I've got a wooden leg and you're unscrewing it."

Standing on a cross-town bus hanging by a strap,
She let her hanky fall into a sleeping old man's lap.
Now he woke up, he looked down, he gave a sheepish grin,
He thought it was his shirttail and he slyly tucked it in.

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.

I saw her in her birthday suit swimming by the weir,
She said, "Please go away," but I pretended not to hear.
She said, "If you don't go I'll stay in here 'til it gets dark,"
I said, "That's all right by me, I only came to feed the shark."

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.

[Benny]
We had a gypsy wedding but the caterers were mobsters,
They blew up all the prawns and shrimps to make them look like lobsters.

So she stuffed herself with wedding cake and beer and fish and chips,
I carried her across the threshold, I had to take two trips.
But alas that wicked gypsy girl has ruined my poor life,
She's gone back to her mother and now I'm going back to the wife.

 

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

 

 

 

Down On The Farm

 

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

 

Down On The Farm was first broadcast on 11 February 1981 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981.

 

The setting is in front of a hillbilly shack. To screen right are Henry McGee and Bob Todd; to screen left are Jackie Wright and Roger Finch; in the back are three rows of Hill's Angels: Front row – Beverley Kay screen left, Sue Upton centre, Louise screen right. Middle row – Clare Smalley centre and Bella Emberg far screen right. Back row – Abigail Higgins screen left, Penny Kendall left centre, Alison Bell right centre, Camilla Blair far right screen.

 

All the Hill's Angels are dressed in farm girl fashion. Louise is wearing an orange halter-top, cut-off jeans, brown boots and orange ribbons behind each ear. Benny Hill comes out dressed like a country clown and sings. The Angels sing backup as indicated by parentheses.

 

[Benny sings:]

Now when I drive the plough horse I put his blinkers on,
And I say, "Come on there, Joey boy, come on there Big John.
Come on Dick, come on Harry, come on Jake and Carter."
It makes him think he's got some help and he pulls a little harder.

I learned to swim when I was eight, (Down on the farm)
My pa rowed me out to the middle of the lake, (Down on the farm)
He pushed me out of the boat and said, "Son, swim back." (Down on the farm)
I had a heck of a job gettin' out of the sack. (Down on the farm)

Now my grandma went to the general store and said, "Do you sell gasoline?
Axel grease and turpentine, candles and quinine?
Artificial manure and mothballs?" the guy said, "We sure do, ma'am,"
She said, "Well go and wash your hands and cut me a slice of ham."

She got a brand new hearing aid, (Down on the farm)
She said, "It's worth every penny I paid." (Down on the farm)
"I only had a week and yesterday, (Down on the farm)
I heard from my sister in Holloway." (Down on the farm)

Now our Indian farm hand said, "My wife not true to me,
Me want oranges, me plant orange tree.
Me plant corn, up come corn, plant bran, up come bran,
Last year me plant Indian and up come China man."

His daughters came to stay with us, (Down on the farm)
But my brother Charlie got in first. (Down on the farm)
He got the one called Lorna Doon, (Down on the farm)
I got her sister, Nothin' Doon. (Down on the farm)

 

[The Angels cluck and bray in a brief interlude.]
 

[Benny resumes singing:]
Now Lorna asked me for a kiss, she said, "It won't do any harm,
And when I tell the folks that I've been kissed by the boy who runs the farm.
It'll be a feather in my cap, at least that's my belief,
I said, "Come into the wigwam and I'll make you an Indian chief."

The day I married my little squaw, (Down on the farm)
I met my future mother-in-law. (Down on the farm)
She's got the biggest mouth in all Nantucket, (Down on the farm)
She sleeps with her false teeth in a bucket. (Down on the farm)

Now at our honeymoon hotel I got the fever something cruel,
And Lorna brought me water to try and keep me cool.
Then she stopped bringing water though I was thirstier than hell,
I said, "Why you no bring water?" she said, "White man sit on well."

Last week I bought my ma some shoes, (Down on the farm)
And I bought my pa a bottle of booze, (Down on the farm)
I was gonna’ get a diary for my Great Aunt Nell, (Down on the farm)
Only lately she ain't been looking too well. (Down on the farm)

[Everyone sings:]
Now how you gonna’ keep 'em down on the farm,
After they've seen the (?).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lifeguards

 

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

 

Lifeguards was first broadcast on 5 January 1983 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

 

The setting is at a beach (in the studio). Benny Hill is dressed in an old-fashioned lifeguard uniform. The Hill's Angels are all wearing white one-piece leotard style swimsuits with maroon "V” trims on the front and high heels. They use oars as props throughout most of the sketch.

 

Besides Louise, other Angels include Sue Upton, Corinne Russell, Elfrida Ashworth, Gillian Adams, Jane Conoway (?), Maria Whittaker and one unknown Angel (possibly Mandy Perryment). The Angels sing a chorus as well as harmony.

 

[Benny sings:]

This gorgeous gal lay on the beach with blonde curls 'round her head,

She had a kiddie with her and his hair was flaming red.

I said, "Tell me about his father, was his hair as red as that?"

She said, "I couldn't tell you, sport, he didn't take off his hat."



[Angels]

Forward we march and we'll never let you down,
We are the lifeguards of Tumberumba(?) town.

 

 

[Benny]
Now I went to the opening of a big store's annual sales,

But the way them Sheila’s push and shove, they're stronger than us males.

One lady had me on my back and I looked up in 'orror,

As a young girl sat on my face...I'm going again tomorrow.

 

 

[Angels]
Row, row with all your might, never wear a frown,
We are the lifeguards of Tumberumba(?) town.

 

 

[Benny]
Now a lady said, "Find my husband, I think he's disappeared."

I said, "I'll need a description," she said, "Well he got a long white beard."

And he's short and fat and bald and the size of his nose you wouldn't credit,

His eyes are crossed, he's got no teeth. On second thoughts, forget it."


 

[Angels]
Row by the ?? and you will never drown,
We are the lifeguards of Tumberumba(?) town.

 

 

[Benny]
Now I asked this Sheila what she'd do if she fell in the bay,

I said, "Would you tear your clothes off so that you could swim away?"

She said, "Well, I'd keep my blouse on, that's the method I'd employ.

You see, the air gets underneath it and it acts just like a buoy."

 

 

[Angels]
Here we go with the oars, as the boat goes up and down,
We are the lifeguards of Tumberumba(?) town.

 

 

[Benny]
Now we're staying at a duff hotel, it's called The Crooked Tower,

The bidet's broke so all the blokes do handstands in the shower.

I phoned up the receptionist and with great annoyance said,

"I've gotta leak in my wash basin," and she said, "Okay, go ahead."
 

 

[Angels]
We are the champions, lifeguards of renown,
We are the lifeguards of Tumberumba(?) town.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coconut Milk

 

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

 

Coconut Milk was first broadcast on 26 December 1978 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981.

 

The setting is a “beach” in the studio. All the girls (this was actually prior to the forming of Hill’s Angels) are dressed in solid colour one-piece leotard style swimsuits with matching cover-ups, high heels and shell necklaces. Louise wears a yellow swimsuit and cover-up with two flowers in her hair.

 

Other performers include Sue Upton, Erica Lynley, Stephanie Lawrence, Victoria Shellard, Sharon and Tina Bond and one unknown Angel (possibly Mandy Perryment). The dancers play a rhythm line throughout the song by clapping coconut halves together.

 

With the exception of a one line solo by each of the Bond sisters (Sharon and Tina), Benny Hill sings solo throughout with the girls singing the chorus as a group.

 

[Benny]

Now, coconut good for eating,

 

[Bond girl #1]
Rabbit's foot is good for luck,

 

[Bond girl #2]
Swimming is good for my figure,

 

[Benny]
Have you never had a look at a duck?

If you want to save money on our island,
And cut down on your petrol bill,
You must add tiny wheels to the front of your car,
And you'll always be going downhill.

[Angels]
Oh you can drink coconut milk,
Coconut butter is as smooth as silk,
And when we meet in the middle of the desert as well,
We dance to the rhythm of the coconut shells.

 

[Benny]

Now my wife has had 17 husbands,

Including 4 of her own,

Last week was our anniversary, so just before I left home,

I wrote her a check for 1,000 kisses, just as daylight was dawning,

I got back that night,

She said, “Your check was just right, because the milkman cashed it this morning.”

 

[Angels]
Oh you can drink coconut milk,
Coconut butter is as smooth as silk,
And when we meet in the middle of the desert as well,
We dance to the rhythm of the coconut shells.

 

[Benny]

Now my wife’s one in a million

How often have you heard that said?

But my wife’s not one in a million,

She looks like she’s won in a raffle instead.

 

Now she’s oh so fat, I made her promise that,

She would run 10 miles everyday,

And if she starts soon, by the end of June,

She’ll be 400 miles away.

 

[Angels]
Oh you can drink coconut milk,
Coconut butter is as smooth as silk,
And when we meet in the middle of the desert as well,
We dance to the rhythm of the coconut shells.

 

 

Last Tango

Music and Lyrics by B. Libert and R. Meakin

Last Tango was part of the "Chez When" sketches first broadcast on 12 March 1986 and immediately follows Louise's remarkable rendition of La Vie En Rose. This performance is included on the latest and final release in the Region 1 DVD series: Benny Hill: Set 6-The Hill's Angels Years (1986-1989), now available by clicking on Louise's link.

 

The scene opens with the camera focused on Louise (screen left) and Hill's Angel Francesca Lacey. They are paired-up throughout the routine, as are Emma Bryant and Alison Thomas; Lorraine Doyle and five unknown Hill's Angels complete the lineup.

 

The Angels wear red dresses cut high on the left thigh and red high heels. Louise also wears red elbow-length sheer lace gloves, a pearl necklace and a red flower over her left ear. Other Angels wear a variety of accessories.

 

The song is sung on-screen by all the Hill's Angels as a group.

 

 

How will it end?

No one can tell.

Lost in his arms, caught in a spell.

Heaven’s a man, also is hell!


Where do they go?!

The men who leave your flat,

To buy some cigarettes,

And never do come back.

 

To some old rented room,

Some café in the sun?

They must go to somewhere,

They must go to someone.

 

Where do they go?!

Those guys who’re always leaving town.

Who always lift you up,

And always let you down.

 

[The scene shifts to two unknown Hill's Angels dancing the Tango. At this point Benny drifts off into a dream sequence in which he imagines himself as a suave Tango dancer dancing with one of the Angels. After a brief interlude of hilarity, Benny snaps out of his dream and the Hill's Angels performance continues.]

 

Where do they go?!

The men who leave your flat,

To buy some cigarettes,

And never do come back.

 

To some old rented room,

Some café in the sun?

They must go to somewhere,

They must go to someone.

 

Where do they go?!

Those guys who’re always leaving town.

Who always lift you up,

And always let you down.

 

[The routine ends with Louise (screen right) and Francesca Lacey (screen left) kneeling in the front of the other eight Angels.]

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