Vagabond opens with the camera focused on Louise (at screen left), Erica Lynley (screen centre) and an unknown Hill's Angel (screen right) playing the flute.

Louise is dressed in southern belle fashion in a white dress with red trim, a white Derby hat and white gloves. Erica is wearing a pink dress and white Derby hat, the Angel playing the flute is wearing a blue dress and white Derby hat. They are surrounded by Sue Upton and 4 unknown Angels dressed in similar fashion. The setting is a “hillside” in the studio.

Parentheses indicate the harmony parts sung by the supporting Angels. Brackets indicate other information.

[Louise and Erica sing:]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

A vagabond (A vagabond)

That’s what they call him (A vagabond),

He’ll pass you by, but leave you with a song,

A vagabond, (Ooh) of no importance (Ooh)

Just wants to be a lonely vagabond (A vagabond).

A vagabond (A vagabond)

That’s what they call him (A vagabond),

He’ll pass you by, but leave you with a song,

[Begin fade out to sketch, the following is heard faintly in background]

A vagabond, (Ooh) of no importance (Ooh)

Just wants to be a lonely vagabond (A vagabond).

A vagabond, (Ooh) of no importance (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond (A vagabond).

That’s what they call him (A vagabond),

He’ll pass you by, but leave you with a song.

A vagabond (Ooh), take him with you (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond.

[Full fade out to various outdoor sketches featuring Benny Hill as a vagabond and supporting players including Sue Upton, Henry McGee, Bob Todd, Jack Wright and Jon Jon Keefe. In the last sketch, Benny arrives at a picnic in the park that includes Louise wearing jeans and a white sleeveless top with large blue polka dots, Jack Wright, Jon Jon Keefe and three others.

Everyone flees when they see Benny has contagious spots on his face. Benny sits down to their picnic and begins eating a chicken leg as Louise and Erica’s duet fades in.]

[Louise and Erica:]

A vagabond, (Ooh) take him with you (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond,

[The scene returns to the studio setting with the camera focused on Louise and Erica, Benny appears in the background with contagious spots on his face and holding a parasol.]

[Louise and Erica continue:]

Born to be a lonely vagabond (Ooh),

Born to be a lonely vagabond, vagabond, vagabond (A vagabond, a vagabond).

[Louise, Erica and the flute player are surrounded by vagabonds including Henry McGee, Bob Todd, Jon Jon Keefe and one older man (does not appear to be Jack Wright) in place of the Angels. They see the vagabonds and flee offstage with the vagabonds in pursuit.]

Keep Young and Beautiful

Lyrics by Al Dubin, Music by Harry Warren

First broadcast on the February 11, 1981 show, Keep Young and Beautiful is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981. 

This sketch includes Louise, Sue Upton, Clare Smalley, Alison Bell, Abigail Higgins, Beverley Kay, Camilla Blair and Penny Kendall. All the Hill's Angels except Penny Kendall and Alison Bell appear at the start of the sketch in different coloured leotards and sing the song as a group except for a brief solo by Alison Bell. Louise is wearing a green leotard. The other Angels are wearing individually coloured leotards.

The sketch opens with a quick montage of individual headshots of Beverley Kay, Camilla Blair, and Sue Upton blowing a kiss and finally Louise as she winks. The song begins in a studio setting with the Angels in three rows in front of two wall-mounted exercise racks. In the front row are Louise (screen left) and Beverley Kay (screen right) both lying on the floor, Clare Smalley (left) and Camilla Blair (right) standing in the middle row and Sue Upton (left) and Abigail Higgins (right) standing in the back row. They sing:

[All Angels sing:]

Keep young and beautiful,
It's your duty to be beautiful;
Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

Don’t fail to do your stuff

With a little powder and a puff,

Keep young and beautiful,

If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts to Alison Bell solo in front of the exercise racks.]

If you're wise, exercise all the fat off,
Take it off, off-a here, off-a there;
When you're seen anywhere with your hat off,
Have a Marcel wave in your hair.

[The scene shifts to a hairdressing salon as Benny Hill, as the hairdresser, unsuccessfully tries to comb Abigail Higgins hair.]

[All Angels sing:]

Take care of all those charms
And you'll always be in someone's arms,
Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[Benny mistakenly sprays Abigail in the face with Jackie Wright’s shaving crème.]

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[Benny lifts up top of a hairdryer and takes a plate of vegetables off Beverley Kay’s (?) head.]

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts to Penny Kendall in bathtub. Keep Young and Beautiful ends as she plays snake charming music on flute to ‘charm’ the shower hose. Benny drops his soap in her tub and she smacks his cap off as he reaches in the tub to grab it. Keep Young and Beautiful then resumes.]

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts to Clare Smalley as she talks to Alison Bell who is in a sweatbox. She opens and steps out and the camera focuses on Jackie Wright sitting in the box and smiling.]

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts to a washroom as an unknown male sailor splashes water on his face and dries it on a towel. Beverley Kay splashes water on her face and dries on the sailor’s uniform. Jackie Wright splashes water on his face and dries his face on the back of Beverley Kay’s skirt. She turns and slaps him and walks off.]

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts to Beverley Kay, Abigail Higgins and finally Benny jumping a vaulting horse. Benny lands hard on the vaulting horse and walks off bowlegged.]

Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts to Bob Todd lifting a barbell. A butterfly lands on one end and he falls over.]

Keep young and beautiful,
It's your duty to be beautiful;
Keep young and beautiful,
If you want to be loved.

[The scene shifts back to the Angels in front of the exercise rack in three rows: Front row – Beverley Kay (screen left) and Clare Smalley (screen right), Middle Row – Sue Upton (screen left), Louise (centre screen) and Camilla Blair (screen right), Back Row – Alison Bell (screen left) and Abigail Higgins (screen right), as they sing:]

Don’t fail to do your stuff

With a little powder and a puff,

Keep young and beautiful,

If you want to be loved.

[Sketch ends as Louise winks as in the opening.]

Gypsy Dance (Maria)

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

First broadcast on the January 7, 1981 show, Gypsy Dance is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981.

Benny Hill sings with the Hill's Angels providing backup. Benny is standing on a table dressed as a gypsy as he sings. The Angels surround him and each is involved in a skit with Benny as he sings. Louise is dressed in a pink gypsy style dress with white sleeves, a pink scarf and purple boots.

The other Hill's Angels are similarly costumed with each in a different colour. Other Angels include Sue Upton, Julie Kirk, Sam Spencer-Lane, Clare Smalley, Abigail Higgins and Elfrida Ashworth. Other actors include Bella Emberg, Jackie Wright, Bob Todd and Roger Finch, all dressed in gypsy costumes. The Angels sing backup as a group.

[Benny]

Now Maria was a high class gypsy,

She sold gold earrings from a stall,
Her mother had a cut-glass eye,

Her father had a crystal ball.

I took Maria to a fancy dress dance, it was a very swell affair,
All the girls had to wear a dress the same colour as their escort's hair.
There was a commotion in the ballroom just after the dinner,
All the men wanted to dance with the girl who came in with Yul Bryner.

They all cried out, “Maria Novotnees,” (?)

“What we want is Watneys.”

Ach, too, lee, bush, Buddha (?)

Brie, brown bread, and butta (?)

Bend down girls and touch your toes,
I'm gonna’ show you where the wild goose goes, mmmhmm.

Some girls are like Africa, mysterious and hot,
And other girls are like Paris with all the charm it's got.
But Maria she is like Tibet with all its ice and snow there,
'Cause everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there.
 

[Angels sing:]
Hi-bi-diddly-doe, Hi-bi-diddly-doe, Hi-bi-diddly-doe, Hi-bi-diddly-doe.

[Benny sings:]
Her teeth were green and brown and yellow

One of them was black as jet,

If only she’d of had a blue one,

She’d of had a stuka (?) set.

I went into a phone box to try to get in touch,
With my lovely Maria 'cause I love her so much.
But a policeman came and turned me out, I still can hear him yell,
He went back into the phone box and he turned her out as well.

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.
 

[Benny]
I twirled her 'round the dance floor,

She said, "I hate the way you're doing it."
I said, "Why?"

She said, "I've got a wooden leg and you're unscrewing it."

Standing on a cross-town bus hanging by a strap,
She let her hanky fall into a sleeping old man's lap.
Now he woke up, he looked down, he gave a sheepish grin,
He thought it was his shirttail and he slyly tucked it in.

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.

I saw her in her birthday suit swimming by the weir,
She said, "Please go away," but I pretended not to hear.
She said, "If you don't go I'll stay in here 'til it gets dark,"
I said, "That's all right by me, I only came to feed the shark."

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.

[Benny]
We had a gypsy wedding but the caterers were mobsters,
They blew up all the prawns and shrimps to make them look like lobsters.

So she stuffed herself with wedding cake and beer and fish and chips,
I carried her across the threshold, I had to take two trips.
But alas that wicked gypsy girl has ruined my poor life,
She's gone back to her mother and now I'm going back to the wife.

[Angels]
Dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe, dance-bi-diddly-doe.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Down On The Farm

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

Down On The Farm was first broadcast on February 11, 1981 and is available on Benny Hill: Set Four - The Hill's Angels Years 1978-1981.

The setting is in front of a hillbilly shack. To screen right are Henry McGee and Bob Todd, to screen left are Jackie Wright and Roger Finch in the back are three rows of Hill's Angels. Front row – Beverley Kay screen left, Sue Upton centre, Louise screen right. Middle row – Clare Smalley centre and Bella Emberg far screen right. Back row – Abigail Higgins screen left, Penny Kendall left centre, Alison Bell right centre, Camilla Blair far right screen.

All the Hill's Angels are dressed in farm girl fashion. Louise is wearing an orange halter-top, cut-off jeans, brown boots and orange ribbons behind each ear. Benny Hill comes out dressed like a country clown and sings. The Angels sing backup as indicated by parentheses.

[Benny sings:]

Now when I drive the plough horse I put his blinkers on,
And I say, "Come on there, Joey boy, come on there Big John.
Come on Dick, come on Harry, come on Jake and Carter."
It makes him think he's got some help and he pulls a little harder.

I learned to swim when I was eight, (Down on the farm)
My pa rowed me out to the middle of the lake, (Down on the farm)
He pushed me out of the boat and said, "Son, swim back." (Down on the farm)
I had a heck of a job gettin' out of the sack. (Down on the farm)

Now my grandma went to the general store and said, "Do you sell gasoline?
Axel grease and turpentine, candles and quinine?
Artificial manure and mothballs?" the guy said, "We sure do, ma'am,"
She said, "Well go and wash your hands and cut me a slice of ham."

She got a brand new hearing aid, (Down on the farm)
She said, "It's worth every penny I paid." (Down on the farm)
"I only had a week and yesterday, (Down on the farm)
I heard from my sister in Holloway." (Down on the farm)

Now our Indian farm hand said, "My wife not true to me,
Me want oranges, me plant orange tree.
Me plant corn, up come corn, plant bran, up come bran,
Last year me plant Indian and up come China man."

His daughters came to stay with us, (Down on the farm)
But my brother Charlie got in first. (Down on the farm)
He got the one called Lorna Doon, (Down on the farm)
I got her sister, Nothin' Doon. (Down on the farm)

[The Angels cluck and bray in a brief interlude.]
 

[Benny resumes singing:]
Now Lorna asked me for a kiss, she said, "It won't do any harm,
And when I tell the folks that I've been kissed by the boy who runs the farm.
It'll be a feather in my cap, at least that's my belief,
I said, "Come into the wigwam and I'll make you an Indian chief."

The day I married my little squaw, (Down on the farm)
I met my future mother-in-law. (Down on the farm)
She's got the biggest mouth in all Nantucket, (Down on the farm)
She sleeps with her false teeth in a bucket. (Down on the farm)

Now at our honeymoon hotel I got the fever something cruel,
And Lorna brought me water to try and keep me cool.
Then she stopped bringing water though I was thirstier than hell,
I said, "Why you no bring water?" she said, "White man sit on well."

Last week I bought my ma some shoes, (Down on the farm)
And I bought my pa a bottle of booze, (Down on the farm)
I was gonna’ get a diary for my Great Aunt Nell, (Down on the farm)
Only lately she ain't been looking too well. (Down on the farm)

[Everyone sings:]
Now how you gonna’ keep 'em down on the farm,
After they've seen the (?).

Lifeguards

Music and Lyrics by Benny Hill

Lifeguards was first broadcast on January 5, 1983, and is available on Benny Hill: Set Five - The Hill's Angels Years 1982-85.

The setting is at a beach (in the studio). Benny Hill is dressed in an old-fashioned lifeguard uniform, The Hill's Angels are all wearing white one-piece leotard style swimsuits with maroon "V” trims on the front, and high heels. They use oars as props throughout most of the sketch.

Besides Louise, other Angels include Sue Upton, Corinne Russell, Elfrida Ashworth, Gillian Adams, Jane Conoway (?), Maria Whittaker and one unknown Angel (possibly Mandy Perryment). The Angels sing a chorus as well as harmony.

[Benny sings:]